You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
