My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
