does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
