When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
