You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
