I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
