god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
