I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
MIDGETS
????
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
