i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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