I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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