belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
