ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
