Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
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