I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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