Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
