wrigley field is MILF paradise
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
