My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
