No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
