My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
