I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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