like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
