but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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