he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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