dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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