Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
