I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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