i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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