He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
