Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
