cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
