I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
