I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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