If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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