my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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