If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
