i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
