that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
