I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
this must be what syphilis tastes like
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
