if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
