I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
