i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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