i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
