omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
