So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Shame is for Republicans.
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