Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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