I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
