Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She's the barista slut.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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