Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
