I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He shit in the fireplace
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
