i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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