Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
