Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
