my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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