A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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