I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
