hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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