Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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